I'm not addicted to twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.
"That awkward moment when Bruno Mars doesn't catch a grenade for you, and you die
Why Don’t You Slip Into Something More Comfortable. Like A Coma ?
Today I saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard....pillow fight fail
Whoever said it wasn't about looks was probably drunk or ugly or both.
"Mom can I.." "Go ask your father." "Dad can I.." "Go ask your mother.
I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions” should be called “I didn’t read, but I want to access this shit."
F*ck yo couch
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I'd never be bored again
When I was little, "I'm gonna tell your mom" was the scariest sentence ever.
There's always that one song on your ipod that you have to explain why you have it.
I like Mario. he's cool. He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican.
When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty.
10 Years, Billions of dollars, Thousands of soldiers dead & state of the art technology. The USA finally found Bin Laden... In his house.
“Let’s eat Grandma” or “Let’s eat, Grandma”- Punctuation saves lives.
Looking at your phone in the middle of the night, is like looking into the damn sun.
I wonder if kids in China push their eyes together and say "Hey Look! I'm American.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Adults say ''Because I said so'' when they don't have a good reason
Condoms are cheaper than diapers
Why do pretty women think they're ugly and ugly women think they're pretty as hell?
My internet wasn't working yesterday... I think my neighbors forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible of them.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
If it wasn't for Twitter, we'd all be on Facebook refreshing our pages every 2 minutes, wishing for new notifications.
I Really Liked That Song Untill The Radio Overplayed It
i always wondered why gay men look so young and healthy... then I realized they dont have to deal with women
I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
The funniest thing about this tweet, is that by the time you realize that it doesn't say anything, it's too late for you to stop reading it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts ... this world would be a pretty creepy place.
So I saw a butterfly with no wings today. I poured some Red Bull and BAM! ...It drowned.
The fake laugh you do when you don’t understand what somebody just said to you.
Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off, too cold. One leg out, perfect, until the awkward moment when the demon from paranormal activity grabs it.
I hate it when I can't figure out which side of the blanket is the long side
I look at people sometimes and think.."For real? That's the sperm that won?
I wouldn't take a bullet for anyone. That would ruin my killstreak.
My day doesn't consist of 3 set meals. I pretty much eat 12887765726 snacks whenever Im hungry.
Checking the fridge every fifteen minutes to see if any food magically appeared.
Facebook: Scrolling down my newsfeed thinking "Do not care..'' "Bitch." "Your life sucks." "Song lyrics." "Inside joke?" "Needs a therapist"
That crazy moment when you put a ring on your finger and can't get it off
If bars don't serve drunk people, then Fast food restaurants shouldn't serve fat people
I don't hate people. I just don't exactly appreciate their existence.
This tweet just wasted 5 seconds of your boring lifetime
Alcohol: Because no amazing story started with someone eating a salad.
The real danger of chewing gum at school wasn't being caught by teachers, its being caught by your classmates.
If you ever get into a fight. Pull out your phone hold it front of and scream 'Its Morphin' Time'
I hate when I have to fart around people, But I dont know whether its a silent one, Or a loud one.
My daily goal is to offend someone everyday
"Fu*k that" is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word 'No'
I hated when people finish their Test in 10 min, Meanwhile im still stuck on the second question -__-
Who else entertains themselves with that glue from the back of Gift cards!?
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