I'm like your virginity, Once i'm gone, you ain't getting me back.
In the morning everything is brighter, louder, and more annoying.
I'm Rick James Bitch
Everything is better in slow motion
Karma is only a bitch to bitches
"Hi, may I help you?" "No, not at all. I'm just waiting in the line just to say Hi".
That moment when your mind goes blank while trying to think of a song on YouTube. So you put in a random letter to see what you find.
Ok, it's 9:30, I'll start my homework at 10:00..... Damn, 10:03, missed it. 11:00 it is!
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, bitches be trippin
Shaving your balls is just plain nuts
I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
You say M.O.B but you got neither #OhYouFancyHuh
You're making your facebook status real sad so people feel bad for you #OhYouFancyHuh
My jokes are old, been around, boring, and used? Well so is your mom #OhYouFancyHuh
Closing your left eye, then your right eye to see how an object changes places when you're extremely bored
The sick bastard who put the ‘D’ in Wednesday must be the same genius who put the ‘R’ in February..
I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 30 minutes later saying "LOL"
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have....we all do it
Everyday is a gift, but i'd just like to know where I can return Mondays
What's the point of taking pictures in the bathroom? Are you tryna show off your toilet?
I hate when someone bumps into me and doesn’t say “Excuse me” or “Sorry”
I wanna get a tattoo of a grape, that way when I'm old and wrinkly it turns into a raisin
That frustrating moment when you know exactly what something means in your head, but not how to explain it.
The moment when you serve cereal in a bowl, open the fridge, and realize there is no milk. I mean It doesn't get much worse than that.
Disability jokes are not funny. I've got a friend in a wheelchair who just can't stand it
Getting a text that says “K” and thinking… Well fu*k, There goes that conversation
Automatic flush sensors look a lot like hidden cameras.
The awkward moment when you pull your blankets up and punch yourself in the damn face.
If you're going to talk shit in your tweets, Might as well grow some balls and mention them in it.
When a boy wears skinny jeans are tighter than a girls skinny jeans, you know theres a problem
Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
That amazing moment when the smartest kid in your class failed a test.
They be like 'Riley?' "What?" 'Can you teach me how to dougie?' "Hell nahh... Cuz all you bitches ugly."
This girl's breath is RAHHH RAHHH LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON
I ignored someone's friend request on Facebook. WTF is 'Not now' ... NO NOT EVERI laugh at my own texts before I send them because I am that damn funny.
All these girls claimin' to be barbies look like they came from the Build-A-Ho Workshop
Ladies leave yo eyebrows alone I'm tired of arguin' with y'all and you lookin' like ^___^ nobody happy 24-7
A confident girl doesn't show off her naked body. She shows her naked face
The mini heart attack when you're in bed half asleep and you suddenly feel you're falling.
Would You Like a Table?" ... "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please."
I hate when im listening to the radio, and every radio station is on commercial.
Throwing random things at people then acting like it wasn't you.
Be nice to your children, remember they pick your nursing home.
The awkward moment when you realize you texted the wrong person.
I really hate it when people sit in front of me at the movies and take away my foot rest.
I wish you could Google anything.You could search like,"Where the f*ck is my cell phone?" & it would say, "Its in your pocket you dumb ass"
When a girl says "don't worry about it" You better f*cking worry about it
Turning off the lights downstairs and running upstairs so no one kills you.
Ladies when passing a freaky looking guy while walking down the street & thinking, "Oh shit, I'm about to get raped..."
I have thousands of songs on my iPod, but I only listen to about 20.
Getting shampoo in your eye and accepting the fact you'll be blind forever.
It doesn't matter how old you are. if a balloon is about to hit the floor you dive for that shit
"Can I get a $5 footlong?" "Yes that will be $7.50" EAT FRESH B*TCH
Why is it that when you say "don't look" everyone looks. But when you say "look" no one does.
That aggravating moment when you start the same sentence at least three times, but someone keeps interrupting you
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Sex is just like pizza, when its good its awesome, but when its bad its still pretty good.
Not all cleavage looks good. Titties lookin' like wet grocery bags
Who's ever licked their phone screen to clean it?
Admit it, we have all recorded ourselves singing to see if we could actually sing.
When you are trying to text and talk , and you end up typing what you're saying
FACE your problems, don't FACEBOOK your problems.
That one person you see EVERYWHERE, but just don't know their name.
What if farts came out your mouth and burps came out your ass
We have all once in our life used the hairbrush as a microphone.
Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each others phones
Me? Stalk? Nah, I just observe... behind a tree... at night..in the rain
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every women's drink.
There's always that one idiot who ruins your whole status with a shitty comment.
If there wasn't a 'delete history' button, every teenager would be screwed.
I can memorize twenty song lyrics before I can memorize one answer to a question on a test
Cartoons just aren't the same anymore
The only thing worse than passing out behind the wheel is waking up the next day to find out you're still driving.
I hate when I have to pause my music everytime someone talks to me
I can remember something that happened 3 years ago, but not 3 minutes ago
Putting you're offline chat on Facebook so it actually looks like you have a life and don't sit on Facebook all day.
Too many funerals, not enough graduations, too many baby showers, not enough weddings
Lucky charms should sell boxes with only the marshmallows
That very depressing moment when you finish your popcorn before the movie starts
I hate when people call me and then talk to other people in the room.
"Error: 404 not found" I wasn't looking for 404, dummy
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